


Speak with Your Heart

by kmsmitty



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homesickness, Language Barrier, Loneliness, M/M, Messy, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-30 04:47:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17217248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kmsmitty/pseuds/kmsmitty
Summary: Wong Yukhei is feeling pretty isolated from the other 17 members of NCT. Lee Taeyong is leader for a reason. Can the two figure out a way to communicate? Or will these dorks just screw it all up?





	Speak with Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nineteenthday](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nineteenthday/gifts).



> I love this so much. I can't breathe. Merry (late) Christmas, Luna! I love you!

Yukhei knocked lightly on the door before him, shifting his weight from foot to foot as he waited for it to be opened. He was pretty sure he'd seen the elder sneak off after dinner, and he'd already checked the practice room and studio, so this was his last guess as to where he could be. His face fell ever so slightly as the door swung open.

"Xuxi, to what do we owe this immense pleasure?" Ten asked, smirking as he looked up at the younger boy. Yukhei, being able to see over Ten's head, did a quick scan to see just who the "we" Ten referred to was. Johnny and Taeyong were sitting on bean bags on the floor, trying to pick out a movie. Yukhei sighed.

"Oh, I just wanted to see if Taeyong-hyung was busy, and he is. I'll try back later."

Taeyong's ears perked up at the mention of his name, eyes going to the door, even though he knew the voice that said it.

"Ten. Move. Xuxi, you can watch with us if you want. I figured you'd be doing bowling night with the Dreamies, but since you're here, I guess not. Come sit."

Yukhei tried not to let the hurt show on his face.The younger boys hadn't even invited him. He always felt so left out of things. Everything would have been so much easier if he could have joined Dream. He was only a few months older than Mark anyway. Mark did what he could to include him, but he always felt like they had a bond that couldn't be touched. He loved all his members, especially Mark and the boys in the China line, but he still felt awkward with them. Growing up in Hong Kong made him different. Sure, he knew enough Mandarin to get by, but it felt foreign on his tongue, and he couldn't exactly only communicate with them by written letters.

Yukhei, not wanting to make waves, lied.

"Oh, I never really liked bowling. I think I'm allergic to the stuff they grease the lanes with. It makes my hands swell."

Ten snorted. "As if your hands aren't big enough."

Johnny scowled at Ten. "Don't be jealous just because he's half a foot taller than you are AND three years younger."

So much for not making waves.

As Ten and Johnny squabbled back and forth, Yukhei slowly inched his way out of the door frame. He was just turning to leave when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"So that's a no on movie night?"

"You have plans. I don't want to intrude."

"Xuxi, you're never intruding. I offered because I want to hang out with you, but I understand. Anyway, you knocked on my door. Do you need anything?"

Yukhei bit his bottom lip. Taeyong was warm, a very capable leader. There was nothing he wouldn't do for any of his members. Yukhei had always felt this calm wash over him whenever Taeyong was involved. But it still made him nervous. He wasn't sure the reason behind it, but Taeyong made him feel incredibly shy.

"I just. It can wait. I don't want to throw off your night."

"Oh, please. Those two will spend the next hour bickering under their breaths, and then an hour after that fondling each other under the blankets, while I pretend not to notice. You haven't thrown anything off; that's just who they are."

"Oh, wow. Um. That's awkward."

"Thats Johnten for you. Seriously, though. What's up?"

"It can wait. Go have fun."

Taeyong pursed his lips. "Alright. But tomorrow afternoon, whatever it is, we're discussing it. No excuses. Meet me back here at 3, okay?"

"Okay."

~

Taeyong had spent the whole morning putting himself in Yukhei's way. He made breakfast for himself and the younger boy, sitting down next to him at the large kitchen table. They both ate in comfortable silence, exchanging a few words here and there, but nothing serious. It had been nagging Taeyong all night, trying to figure out what could be going on with Yukhei. He imagined he was missing home. Taeyong knew that Yukhei had missed his mom's birthday. They had a schedule to adhere to, and that left no time to travel back to Hong Kong. The elder was pretty sure that Yukhei was carrying some guilt for it; a guilt Taeyong understood as well. His mom was his best friend, too, and he had missed many a family get together since debut. Taeyong knew that both moms just wanted their sons to be happy and successful, but it didn't take the guilt away.

Renjun sat down with Chenle, chattering away about the night before. Apparently, Jaemin and Jisung had gotten into a very heated competition during one of the games, and Jeno was forced to break up the fight. Both the younger boys had walked away a little teary eyed, which had made Chenle and Donghyuck laugh, and Mark shake his head in exasperation.

"I know your morning is free, so you're welcome to come to the practice room if you'd like. I'm trying to teach Doyoung the new choreography, and I'll need all the help I can get."

"Sure. Whatever you need."

~

 

"That's it. I officially quit. No. I'm serious, Taeyong. Taeil can take my lines. I'm sitting this song out. You can't make me perform it."

"Hyung, don't give up. You're so close to getting it. Your feet just need to catch up."

"Xuxi, if you want to take my spot, feel free. I'm done."

Yukhei moved to stop Doyoung from leaving the practice room, but Taeyong stepped in front of him.

"Leave him be. This is how it goes with every new round of choreography. He pouts and gets defeated, but something will click about two weeks before we debut the song. Then he does just fine. It's best to just give him some space."

Yukhei nodded. He was so impressed with Taeyong. He couldn't imagine how difficult it must be to keep track of 17 members' strengths, weaknesses, insecurities, etc. He could barely remember his own.

"I know it's not quite 3 yet. But we have this room for another hour. Do you want to talk now?"

The color quickly drained from Yukhei's face. He should have known that Taeyong wouldn't forget about their little meeting. Chewing on his bottom lip, he shrugged, secretly hoping someone would bust through the door with a crisis so that he could sneak off and avoid this conversation.

"Are you missing home? I know it's hard. And even harder for you, since you're the only one from Hong Kong. And people forget that you're only 19 because you're so big..."

Taeyong flinched as he spoke the last sentence, the tips of his ears going red. He hoped Yukhei wouldn't notice, or at least just think it was due to dancing for two and a half hours.

Yukhei stared at Taeyong. He thought he was better at hiding how alone he felt. Nobody else really seemed to notice. But then again, nobody else was really in his same predicament. Sure, Ten, Yuta, Johnny, and Mark were all the only members from their home countries, but their Korean was so much better than his own.

"Well, that's not exactly it. I mean, it has something to do with that, but..."

Yukhei trailed off, tears forming in his eyes, but not enough to spill over.

"I mostly feel lonely because I feel like I can't communicate very well. Kun is helping me with my Mandarin, but it's not enough. I. I want to do well here. I want it to be worth leaving home for. I want to write my own raps. I want to be able to talk with you guys. I want to be taken seriously in interviews. I..."

Yukhei's shoulders shuddered with the force of his sobs. Taeyong was completely taken aback. Yukhei was free with his emotions, but Taeyong had never seen sadness come from the other boy. It was unnerving.

The elder boy scooted closer, wrapping his sweaty arms and legs around the younger. He didn't know what to say, so he just held Yukhei, let him cry it out for a bit. Talking, he had a sneaking suspicion, would only make things worse.

After a few minutes, Yukhei's sobs subsided to light sniffles. He inched slightly away from Taeyong, just enough to free his hands so he could wipe at his eyes. Embarrassment flooded him; he couldn't believe he had been so weak to just break down like that.

But that feeling left him as his eyes looked up into Taeyong's. They were red and puffy. His cheeks were wet. Taeyong was crying, too.

~

Yukhei did what he could to avoid Taeyong for the rest of the night. His pride was a little wounded, and he wasn't too sure about Taeyong's feelings about their mutual cry fest. Probably best to just take some space.

Mark had asked him if he wanted to play some video games, but Yukhei just felt drained. Ultimately though, it gave him an excuse to avoid everyone else, so he reluctantly agreed.

Booting up the N64, Yukhei felt a little better with each round of Super Smash Bros they played. Mark would immerse himself in the game, which left no time for talking. Except...

"Quit sucking me up! It's not fair, Mark!"

"Yeah, well, quit licking me and pooping me off the side, Xuxi. That's not fair, either."

The battle between Kirby and Yoshi quickly turned physical in real life as well. Kun, hearing a shrill screech, ran downstairs to find Yukhei, sitting on Mark, tying his hands together with the cord of his controller.

"It's midnight. You both have recording in the morning. Go to bed."

"Yes, Mama Kun," they responded in unison.

~

Taeyong awoke early the next morning. Not that he had slept much, Yukhei's tears keeping him from finding deep sleep. He had a plan, though.

One of their drivers owed him a favor, and so here he was, out on the road at 6:30 am, so he could be there as soon as the shop opened. Taeyong, ever organized, and always with a plan, had a list of everything he would need. He just hoped Yukhei wouldn't be offended by it.

~

Yukhei heard a familiar voice through his headphones in the booth. It wasn't one he had expected to hear, though.

"Great last take, Xuxi. Come on out. Mark can finish up from here. I have something I want to show you."

Yukhei's cheeks flushed. He wasn't used to getting much attention, much less attention from their leader. He hoped the other boys didn't take notice.

Taeyong grabbed Yukhei's hand, dragging him out of the studio and toward a bank of elevators that would lead them back to the dorms. As they rode the elevator up and up, Yukhei stared down and to his right the whole way: Taeyong had yet to release his hand, and was actually preoccupied with rubbing soothing circles with his thumb on the back of Yukhei's hand.

As the elevator doors opened, Taeyong resumed his neckbreaking pace toward his room, Yukhei's gangly limbs barely able to keep up without falling over.

"Johnny and Ten are at the movies, so nobody will bother us. I have a surprise for you. I...I hope you like it."

In the corner, tucked behind Taeyong's night stand, Yukhei could see a massive pile of something, but he wasn't sure what it was. The elder boy jogged over and picked up the pile, some items falling out of his arms and hitting the floor. Yukhei just stood there, puzzled.

"I went to a bookstore. I bought all the textbooks and workbooks I could find. You want to learn Korean. I want to teach you."

Yukhei stared at the man in front of him. He was tiny, the books in his arms weighing at least half of his own weight. But his face showed no strain. Taeyong glowed. He was beautiful. And he was willing to give up his free time for Yukhei. The younger boy smiled back, feeling unbelievably shy.

"Thanks, hyung."

~

And just that fast, the two boys fell into a routine. They would eat dinner together every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evening, then spend a few hours studying. Inevitably though, one or both would become frustrated or bored, and they would find a movie to watch.

And so the two boys found themselves as they did most Wednesday nights, curled up in Taeyong's bed, legs intertwined. Yukhei could hear the elder's heart thrumming away in his chest as he laid there, Taeyong's fingers combing through his hair. It wasn't the normal rhythm.

"Yonggie?"

"Xuxi?"

"Your heart. It's. It's going super fast. Are you okay? Do I need to get someone?"

Taeyong smiled as he ruffled Yukhei's hair.

"Nah, I'm okay. Just nervous about tomorrow."

Yukhei scrunched his eyebrows together, lifting his head to turn and face Taeyong.

"All we have is an interview tomorrow. That's an easy day."

Taeyong smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"It's an easy day for you, puppy. You don't know a stranger. You have no problem speaking to people, regardless of any language barrier. But me? I hate interviews. I'm so uncomfortable. What if I say the wrong thing? What if people don't like me? What if they think I can't lead?"

Yukhei shook his head, a small smile at the new nickname.

"I'm not as confident as you think I am. I watch interviews back and am mortified sometimes. Sure, some people are probably laughing at me, but there are other people that laugh because they find my mistakes endearing. I only fake it if I have to."

"I wish I didn't worry so much. I watch interviews of ours, and I can see how in my own head I am the whole time. I wish I could be carefree like you. No wonder people think I'm cold."

"I don't think you're cold, kitty. But it's really easy. I can help you."

"Kitty?"

"You called me puppy!"

"Fine. Kitty. But just between us."

"Deal."

~

Ten slowly opened his eyes as the door to the room opened and quickly shut again. Taeyong appeared to still be asleep. He shifted in Johnny's arms, a smirk spreading across his lips. This was going to be good.

An hour later at breakfast, Ten sat down across from a sullen looking Taeyong, his eyes watching the milk swirl in his bowl as he tried to find his appetite.

"You look like a jilted lover."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"The hell you don't, Yonggie."

"Use your words, Ten. It's way too early for you to be this annoying."

"Whoever is in your bed three nights a week that leaves you lonely when you wake up without him."

Taeyong dropped his spoon, the silverware clattering against the table top as he looked up at Ten.

"What?"

"You can run from how you feel, Tae, but I can see it. You need to tell him."

At that moment, Yukhei walked into the kitchen, a towel in his hand, absentmindedly drying his hair. Taeyong swallowed. Hard.

"Oh, that's just perfect."

"Shut the fuck up, Ten."

~

The following Friday, as they tossed the notebooks aside, Taeyong hesitated to slide under the blankets with Yukhei. The younger boy looked up at him, confusion in his eyes.

"What's the matter, kitty?"

Taeyong faltered. He didn't know how to word it. He didn't want to make it a big deal, especially if it wasn't a big deal. He sighed.

"Why do you sneak out in the morning? None of us have boundaries. There's usually someone cuddled up with someone else. Why do I wake up to empty space?"

Yukhei shifted his weight on the bed. He figured this conversation was coming, but he had hoped to avoid it a bit longer.

"Ten is always in here. I don't want him to gossip."

"Why would he gossip? He doesn't say anything about the amount of time Jeno spends in Jaemin's bed. Or Hyuckie in Mark's. Or Jungwoo in Doyoung's. Or Jaehyun in, well, pick a member."

"I don't want people talking about what we're doing here, Yonggie."

"And what exactly ARE we doing here, Xuxi?"

Yukhei looked away. He thought Taeyong of all people would understand, but apparently not.

"I don't want them to know how insecure I am. I don't want them to know I came to you for help."

Taeyong felt like he'd been slapped across the face. That wasn't the point he was getting at in the slightest.

"Don't fall asleep in my bed, then. Then no one will talk. And once you're good enough with Korean, you can talk to everyone but me. I would like you to go, Yukhei."

Yukhei flinched. Taeyong never called him by that name. Never.

"Kitty, I -"

"Don't call me that. Ever. Go, Yukhei."

And he did.

~

Taeyong awoke to someone crawling into his bed. His stomach dropped, thinking it was Yukhei. But it wasn't.

"Jisungie, what's wrong?"

The youngest of the eighteen boys sniffled and shook his head. Taeyong sighed. Jisung was easily one of the most emotional boys, but that didn't mean he ever actually opened up about what was bothering him.

"Come on, little one. You can tell me."

"I'm taller than you are. Don't call me 'little.'"

"You're right. I'm sorry. What happened?"

Jisung snuggled in closer, his face finding the crook of the older boy's neck. Taeyong wrapped an arm around the younger, holding out his left hand for Jisung to take. He had a habit of twirling rings, and Taeyong wore several. Jisung began fidgeting with the gold one on Taeyong's middle finger, huffing as he decided to speak.

"I got kicked out."

"Kicked out? What do you mean?"

"Lele came back to our room with Renjun, Sicheng, Kun, and Yukhei, and he told me I had to leave."

"Well, sometimes, people need to discuss things privately. I'm sure they didn't mean to make you feel unwanted. You know Lele adores you."

"That's why it hurts. I've been trying to pick up Mandarin, so that he doesn't have to always talk to me in Korean. That's why I got kicked out. They can't talk around me. Cause Xuxi's Mandarin is weak, but his Korean has gotten better."

Taeyong's heart skipped a beat. Did Yukhei round up the Chinese members to talk about him? Just what he needed. His members divided because he got emotional. And now look what he'd done to Chenle and Jisung.

"Sweet boy, I'm sure once they get things sorted, that Lele will apologize and tell you what's going on. I'm sure they didn't want to get you involved because you tend to worry. And I know that being out of the loop makes you worry, but I'm going to get whatever is going on resolved soon. I promise. Don't hold it over Lele's head. He would never hurt your feelings on purpose."

"Then why our room?"

"Because he knew you'd go if he asked. Jeno, Jaemin, Mark, and Ten would all ask questions. Plus, your room is the biggest."

Jisung seemed pretty appeased by that response. He'd long since stopped twirling Taeyong's rings, opting to pull at a loose thread on one of his socks instead. His head shot up as he heard a knock at the door.

"Taeyong-hyung, is Jisung in here?"

Taeyong nudged Jisung to his feet, nodding at the door.

"See? I told you."

Jisung gave the older boy a shaky smile, jogging to the door. He opened it, Chenle leaping through the doorway to hug his best friend.

"I'm sorry, Sungie. Come on. Let's get some ice cream."

"Close the door behind you!"

But the command fell on deaf ears, as the two youngest boys ran to the kitchen. Taeyong debated if he cared enough to actually get up and shut it himself. He sighed, sliding across the wooden floor in his socks.

Taeyong almost had the door closed before he saw the feet standing in the hallway outside his bedroom.

"Hi."

~

Taeyong just stood there, blinking. Aggressively. He gave serious thought to just shutting the door.

"I guess that's a pretty lame greeting after what happened earlier."

"I agree, Yukhei."

"Please. Please, don't call me that. You've never called me that. I hate hearing it."

"It's literally your name."

"I know, but it doesn't feel right. I've always been Xuxi to you. When you call me Yukhei, it reminds me of how Johnny calls Ten Chittaphon when he's mad at him."

"And you don't like that I'm mad at you."

"Right. It. It makes my heart hurt."

Yukhei finally made eye contact with Taeyong. The elder could see that the younger boy had been crying, his eyes slightly red and puffy.

"Is this what the China line meeting was about?"

Yukhei nodded.

"I didn't know how to fix it. I didn't know what was going on. I came to you to try to feel like someone understood me, and you didn't. But Kun let me in on something I had missed. That I didn't understand you."

Taeyong's eyebrows furrowed together. He wasn't following Yukhei's train of thought.

"Kun told me that you were on Google translate the other day, and that you closed out of it immediately when he approached you. He pulled up your last search. He said I should ask you what it said."

"I don't even know how to say it."

"I butcher your language daily. I'm not going to make fun of you for mispronouncing something in mine."

Taeyong's voice barely registered as he mumbled out the words.

"What?"

"Ngóh oi néih."

Yukhei pushed past Taeyong, going to sit on Johnny's bed.

"You do?"

"I said it right?"

"Not even close, but I know what you meant."

Taeyong felt color rise up his neck and into his cheeks. He didn't think Kun had been close enough to see what he had been looking up online. He also didn't think Kun was the type to meddle.

"Don't be mad at Kun. He's a mom. He just wanted us to figure this out."

"Figure what out?"

"What I've known since before you started giving me Korean lessons."

"Which is?"

"Ngóh oi néih."

"Is THAT how you say it? God, I slaughtered it."

"I just told you I love you, and that's your response?"

"I'm sorry. I. Sorry, Xuxi."

"I'm sorry, too."

"This is all very touching, but could you two take a walk? We'd like to make use of that bed you're sitting on."

"Oh, my God. Fuck off, Ten."


End file.
